ROFLcast

  I have a fucking sour taste in my mouth after what was supposed to be a great night ended in a fucking travesty. So I am goona be a fucking man and point fingers and name names. Don’t like it? Eat a DICK. Seriously this is more fucked than Alysha after 10 tequila shots at a frat house. Just kidding. No one fucks harder than Gabe… no one….

My night started off a little fucked up. This INSANE bitch left a bunch of shit on my lawn. But we are talking like stuffed animals who have been stabbed in the head multiple times, torn up scarves, shit like that, all covered with lighter fluid. But that’s a story for another time.

  So despite a shaky start to a night, I got a call from my boy Dom to join Steve and Chelsea at Brewsters for a.. uh… brew. Amanda was workin this HUGE table that had been there since 6. We sat on a table perpendicular to them so we could get served by the greatest waitress ever Amanda, who I love dearly.

  Amanda is fucking awesome. She’s a really sweet inviting chick, and she’s cool as hell. And she has spent all night working really hard on this table, they were up past 800$ for their bill! But she still hooked us up, Tina and Ricky came out too! It was awesome, we hadn’t all been together in forever and we were having a great time. Then it went downhill.

  I got a call from a good buddy Shane, who was drunk off his ass. I told him to come by (he was at a pub nearby) and that I would pick him up. He said that he had 7 ppl with him though, so I couldn’t come down. But I told him to come by later if he wanted.

  Shane’s drunk ass stumbles into the bar bout a half hour later. I was fucking ecstatic! We had good beer, good friends and good times! Then the other 7 showed up. Now I ain’t got beef with these people, they are just very cliquey, but whatever who gives a fuck.

  We were at a pretty small table, but we could have easily moved. when the other 7 came in, the huge table next to us was temporarily abandoned, as some went for smoke breaks or to the bathroom or whatever (they had been there for a few hours).

  This is the fucked part. Dillon Maczko takes their bags and jackets and moves them to another table. EVEN THOUGH THE TABLE WAS RESERVED. So Dillon, Steven Barry, Danielle Jessome and her weird clone sat down in the seats. Avi to the rescue:

  “Hey you retards, there are people sitting there, don’t just move their shit!”

response: “psh, Whatever”

  When the people returned to their seats to see they had been usurped, I spoke up again:

“see! I told you! that’s their fucking sets! Don’t be an asshole!”

response: “whatever, they didn’t say anything.”

Which I will point out is true. No one said anything to us about taking their seats. But really we aren’t fucking clueless 3 year old fucks. They knew exactly what they were doing. The other group was just too pussy to say anything.

  So instead of causing drama, I let it go. It was Vanessa’s birthday, she’s a decent chick, I didn’t wanna rile shit up. But apparently the other table did. They spent a whole HALF HOUR bitching out a girl who waited on them for HOURS. Poor Amanda was getting berated because we stole their seats.

So understandably, she was pissed. She comes over and says:

“It was really inconsiderate of you to take these peoples seats. They had a reservation here, and have been ordering a lot for the last few hours. Now you were inconsiderate and I got yelled at for the last half hour. You should have known better.”

Fuck me. It was so true. So instead of being adults and saying “yeah we fucked up, sorry” everyone burst out in an outrage.

“What a fucking bitch! These are our seats, fuck them! She can’t talk to us like that! Fuck her!”

  Me and Dom were so fucking embarrassed. He WORKS THERE, and they are starting a scene. And I know lots of the people there through Dom and hang out with them on several occasions. And now the people who they see as “MY FRIENDS” are starting shit. But it gets worse.

  So later after the little incident, she comes back to clear away our glasses and shit, and asks us for last call. Everyone starts yelling out orders, and she says:

“You know what, your cut off. Please just square the bill.”

  Everyone (except me cause I’m lame) was already drunk as it is. This just set them off more, The bar also refused to serve them, so that’s when things got noisy. They just kept saying how mean she was and fuck her and the same shit over and over. Dom didn’t want anything to do with it, he got his bill, tipped well and left. Steven Barry was like “Fuck this, I am not tipping that bitch” and they paid down to the penny. Zero tip. They actually took money away from Dom’s bill to make sure that she didn’t get ANYTHING.

  So Amanda gets in trouble because the manager is now involved and as I go to apologize to her for the way people were acting, he tells me off saying that pointing fingers wasn’t goona solve anything.  I say “I am not getting along with them right now and i want to explain things, you know what i mean” and he says “No. I get along with everyone ever.”

sweet.

So here is where Amanda is really fucked.The table has a tab of lets say 900$. Our tab is over 100$. So lets say 1000$.

She has ZERO tip on both, where she woulda gotten about 200ish maybe more. And has 10% mandatory tip out to the kitchen, which is 100$.

So out of her own pocket she pays 100$ instead of getting 200$.

Yeah. They really fucked her. And she pipes up. When she realized she got fucked out of her tips for the night that she was banking on, she told my group that we fucked her. Which they did.

   So this just escalates and people get more and more vocal till I decide to just fucking bust out.

Yall owe Amanda an apology and the money you lost her. Man up.

  I am writing this about 35 seconds after i finished reading the series next to a noisy coke machine in an uncomfortable chair in the London airport, so if any of this is incoherent… It’s because I am a terrible writer, I am just using my surroundings as an excuse

  If I had to describe Brian K Vaughans serial epic “Y- The Last Man” in one word, I would say “The saddest shit in the world.” The series ended in March of 08, and I decided “Hey, I am goona wait till this shit is collected in a mega awesome Omnibus and buy it then!!” But like the weak mother fucker that I am, I gave in and read the last 20 issues.

Before I go on a spoiler ridden torrent of love, hate, and gism, I will say a few things about Brian K. Vaughn. Not only does this dude share the same last name a ballin director, he has done such works as Pride of Baghdad, Runaways and the best TV show ever Lost.

  Y is a super weird comic. it follows the misadventures of this neurotic lovable bastard Yorik Brown as he survives a massive plague that leaves him as the last man. But none of the women died. Lucky fuck. But he doesn’t use the situation to destroy the vaginas of the world with his mighty Man-Dong, he treks across the globe because he fell in love with a girl on the other side of the world, and now its up to him and his pet monkey Ampersand to go find her.

  There are a lot of themes in this story worth noting, but instead of doing that, I’m just goona pull an Alladin and ask you to trust me as I hover outside your window on a paisley rug. I didn’t really give a shit as to why the plague happened, or if Yorik would ever find Beth (which Vaughan explains and the characters apologize for). All I cared about reading the book was the time I spent with the characters, who are so quirky but real, so you can’t help but fall in love with them. When it was time to say goodbye to after 60 issues as each of them not so gracefully bowed out (I was listening to Ne-Yo’s “It’s You” at a very pivotal moment in the story, and it fit so well) , it was funny, gut wrenching, painful, and fucking torture. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  I almost feel like the last issue was designed to polarize the audience. You are might even hate the ending. It does the same shit that JK Rowling did in the last Harry Potter book. No, not wrap everything up with a gay little bow and ruin the series, rather, both books jump ahead to the future to show what happens to the characters. The outcome will piss some people off because they feel like it is a copout. But It makes sense. It makes it real, and at the end of it all, you still cheer for that silly jerk Yorik. And read it all at once, the book is so much better without breaks in between.

Get this series. Go on this journey. Cheer for the last man. After all, he’s humanity’s last hope. Well.. unless I am there. In which case I will knock up all you bitches.

Wanna lose a battle of wits and words and debate in one fell swoop?! MAKE THIS FUCKING MOVIE!!!

Watch: An American Carol

  This is the saddest fucking fight I have ever seen. Michael Moore attacks republicans in smart, witty, and intellectual films that win fucking oscars, and you respond with a movie that looks on par with fucking Disaster Movie or whatever terrible fucking film they are shoving down our throats this week. Making a terrible movie with retarded C list celebrities and the biggest douches in the universe wont make you any cooler you fucking retards.

Someone look into the funding of this film, if I see any Republican motherfuckers or GM on this ticket, I am going to shit a flock of live seagulls. They don’t even try and make a decent parody, I mean at least when Southpark took a stab at him it was funny. Seriously they get Chris Farleys brother (who looks like Jill on a good day) to play Michael Moore. Have some fucking class you sore losers.

Here is how you know something isn’t funny. When a quote in the trailer calling the director “The Master of Parody” is said BY THE SAME FUCKING DIRECTOR! Its probably shitty. When the trailer shows people getting hit instead of actual jokes. ITS NOT GOONA BE FUCKING FUNNY!!

I’m just waiting to see Lindsey’s name on the writing credits. This is how you loose a fight. Instead of outsmarting your opponent, you pull a Soulja Boy and say the same dumb joke on repeat. All that does is write a banner across your face that says “I love to suck Hippo dick and I lost fucking miserably.” Fuck this movie.

If you see this movie, I will lose faith in mankind. Seriously, this is worse than those retards who like the Saw movies. OK maybe not that bad. But it’s pretty fucking close.

Here is a pretty simple way around the keypad lock.

Let’s be real: a four-digit code isn’t very much separating a determined bandit from your data, which is all that the iPhone affords. Granted, the phone locks up after a few attempts to slow your arch-nemeses down a notch or two, but if your code is your birthday or the last four digits of your phone number — and you know it is, so just admit it — they’ll eventually figure it out anyway. On second thought, though, never mind, because it turns out there’s a pretty effective way around these formalities — 2.0.1 and 2.0.2 have both been confirmed to let you around the passcode lock simply by hitting Emergency Call and double-clicking the home button. At this point, the user will have access to your Favorites list, which is pretty bad as-is, but from here, they’ll be able to click on an arrow and use links within your contacts to get out to the SMS, Maps, or Safari apps

Engadget

Or you could always use the jailbreak software and plug it into your computer. Easy enough.

Until next time blah blah blah

Buy a Nokia or Sony.

You are an Idiot if you don’t read blankets. Not like a quilt, but the book you stupid fucks.

  Blankets is an “Illustrated Novel” from indie artist/writer Craig Thompson. It’s basically a chronicling of his life: the relationship with his brother, his wavering faith in God, and the first time he fell in love. Maybe not my typical book, but I gave it a shot. Craig may not seem to be relatable each of us at first, but I think we all know what it is to be scared. We all know what its like to love too much, only to have it taken way. We all know what its like to fail the people we love. We all know what its like to stand on the outside looking in. And we all know what it is like to endure despite it all. So I guess in some ways we are all a little like Craig.

  The book looks as daunting as “Anne of Green Gables” massive firey snatch, but it flows and moves so well, that you can tear through that book in one sitting.  Blankets is a massive graphic novel, weighing in at 582 pages, but once you peel back the first page, it’s over before you know it. My heart broke for characters who acted in ways I never could fathom doing myself.  The entire time the story is against this beautiful backdrop of Portland’s long and cold winter, and how the snow coats the fields and trees like a blanket. It was melancholy and beautiful and resonating.

  The art comes off as deceptively simple, but as the story moves on you realize how complex and beautiful it is despite being so unorthodox. The dream sequences are so well thought out and engrossing you almost forget that you are looking at printed paper. The entire experience was so… REAL. It’s like Craig is speaking to us as the events are happening because they are so well remembered and visualized.

I honestly felt what it’s like to fall in love.

Get wrapped up in this book and other terrible puns. Take a chance on something different. Then give the book to someone else. Live, love, laugh and cry with Craig. Loose yourself in Blankets. heh. So gay. Whatever the book rocks. Eat a dick.

We don’t sleep you know… The dead? We don’t sleep.

AND SLEEP WE WILL NOT! Edmonton’s best movie festival kicks off October 24th-26th with what might be the greatest movie of all time.

“My Name Is Bruce”

OK I haven’t seen it, but it seems really awesome. Silly me, I didn’t even know we had shit like this! BUT NOW I KNOW. And it will be awesome. The 3 day event is either 20$ a day or 50$ for the WHOLE THING!!! There is a pretty sweet lineup, with newer indie horrors and some ballin classics. The whole lineup can be seen HERE. Ill see you there bitches!!!

Tickets avalible at Megatunes, Metro cinema, Mars & Venus, The Lobby Video.

  Whaddup bitches!!! Im in India right now (just left Mumbai, or as you honkeys call it, Bombay) and am…are…is… headed for Baroda, (or as you honkeys call it “somewhere in India… I don’t really know). This place is ballin, I love it here. The Food is unreal, the sights are awesome, the personal slave you get when you land is wicked, and everyone is ugly (because they are brown) so I have no problem saving myself for my lady friend back home

  It’s wierd, I have been here before, but every trip to India is your first time. You rediscover this land of mystery and curry. It’s crazy to think, if you combined two major cities, they have the same population as all of Canada. But the amount of garbage is ridiculous and the poverty will break your heart. Unless you are a cold bastard like me, in which case you take pleasure kicking orphans with beanbag shoes.

  I love this place, my skin is never dry, my drinks never run dry and my servants are never happy. I guess Heaven really is a place on earth. My brother is getting married here too, we got to meet the chick and she was rad. I’ll post more about the insane wedding when I get the pics back, but…

until next time, I remain Achilles

  Every so often I find Triggers in events, peoples, places, or things that indicate to me that mankind, as a collective, is doomed to implode on itself in brimstone and hellfire. Occasionally I list off these reasons. Here is one of them:

• Offender: The Millionaires- Alcohol
• Reason: I… I think it’s kinda hot…

I feel the need to defend myself here, so lets give you some backstory. A friend of a friends blog called Farewell to Vegas (really funny shit, check it out) posted a song she found on quote “Cry Space” (hahaha brilliant) and absolutely despised. So I thought, hey, any post labled “Instant Birth Control” is worth checking out. I mean, I ain’t goona be no babys daddy. So I watched THIS video.

"ALCOHOL" Official Music Video by The Millionaires

Twice.

That wasn’t what bothered me. What bothered me was when I was at work and started singing “Every time I’m at the bar, you wanna pay. Go ahead buy me a drink, you won’t get laid!” and thinking to myself: man they must have never gotten the roofie colada from Mike Stuckless before. Ok, so I kinda like the song. Before you shit in my mailbox about how retarded I am, consider this:

1. The hook is kinda catchy
2. You can actually feel the attitude of the girls through their vocals
3. …2 of them are kinda hot.

Not the middle one though. She looks part Chinese or something. And she could stand to loose a few. and she has a mole. But the other ones? They look legal! the one on the right kinda looks like Hailey… not my Sarah’s boyfriend Hailey (seriously, who names a boy that?) but Hailey Hebert. She’s super cute… the one on the left seems like a crazy carefree bitch. Man that’s hot.

  Hey. IF you don’t like it? Go fuck yourselves! ILL JUST TAKE OFF MY UNDERWEAR!!!!

Hey  yall! Got something new for ya this week, a friend of mine Chelsea snuck into my Fortress of Awesome in the dead of the night, gassed my Dungeon of Pleasure and took over ROFLcast! She took 5 of her favorite Indie hits and deleted the rest of my music, FORCING me at musket-point to make a podcast with “good” music. How dare she! The result?

I learned about some really great new bands that don’t get a lot of mainstream attention. We have everything from some neat Alternative rock tracks to complete instrumentals. Unfortunately, since I am such a busy bee I had to burn through this cast at BREAKNECK speeds, doing everything in one take, but I think it turned out pretty good! We will definitely be doing this again. And if you want to have your playlist featured, Go fuck yourself. Chelsea gets to do it cause she’s cooler than you.

Download: ROFLcast Ep: 33

Track List:

1. Death Cab For Cutie- “Cath”
2. Fleet Foxes - “White Winter Hymnal”
3. Sigur Ros - “Gobbledigook”
4. My Morning Jacket - “Evil Urges”
5. Holy Fuck - “Lovely Allen”

Show Notes:

• 50 cent is a bitch
• Dr. Dre says that Detox is in the Works
• Dark Knight Kills Everyone Ever
• New Nas, Pink and T-Pain/Lil Wayne albums in the works
• Jessica Simpson isn’t as lame

Sup Bitches! It’s Time for a change…

  KK so it’s been a while since I gave ROFLcast a facelift, and I will probably launch the new site on July 26th which is the anniversary of the start of the Cuban Revolution… and my birthday. and Maritas. and Tinas. and Napoleons.

  I’m going to upgrade the site to a newer version of Wordpress, should make for faster load times and more options. I am also going to be cleaning it up a bit better so it displays better on older versions of IE and Safari. I’ll be adding an entirely new theme (and to be honest I made it in like 10 minutes) and a new splashpage as well as easier navigation so you dont have to look for specific posts or podcasts. But most importantly, I am infusing this site with 30 cc’s of love.

Alright I am gearing up to record ROFLcast Ep: 33- Chelsea Takes Over in memorial for a good man who we lost recently, I’ll see you soon and..

  You Know those annoying ass applications that you get 9 MILLION requests for on facebook? Well some of those applications are little quizzes that make you peer in the dark molten depths of your pathetic mortal soul. HERE IS WHAT I GOT THUS FAR!!! (ps. Some of these I took twice because the answers I gave could have gone both ways. Like Iain) Hahahaha and good call by awesome of my friends who saw me adding these apps to facebook and realized what i was doing. Kudos you clever fucks.

What Avengers Character Are You?

You are "Iron Man"!

 We love superheroes with jaded pasts, and no superhero has quite the dirty streak of Iron Man. You are smart, gritty, sarcastic, and all kinds of bad ass. Your powered armor gives you superhuman strength, the gift of flight, and all kinds of neat weapons. Unlike the other Avengers, you were not born with your ability, but rather obtained them through your intellect and sheer will. That in itself gives you the upper-hand over that boy scout, Captain America!

Which Hero Are You?

You are "Sylar"!

Welcome to the dark side. You’ve discovered the temptation of absolute power, and are willing to do just about anything to get it. Even taking internet quizzes. You’re a bad person, which is totally more fun than being a good person with no super powers.

Which God Are You?

You are “Zeus “

These days rarely seen outside his penthouse mansion on the top of mount Olympus, a few millennia ago, this guy, with his gang of lesser gods, was all the rage in ancient Greece. Watch out, he’ll throw a lightning bolt at you, he’s Zeus.

Which Ninja Turle Are You?

Michelangelo

You are fun loving Michelangelo. Your mantra is "life’s a beach", and you may catch yourself saying, "Cowabunga". You know how to enjoy life, stay happy, and tend to make the best out of things.

Shredder

You are Shredder, the foe. You don’t have time for anything because scheming how to take over the world takes up all your time. You dream about having your own unstoppable army to aid you to reign over the entire earth.

What Color Is Your Aura?

Green

Your aura is green. You are powerful, intelligent, and organized. When you set a goal you are determined to reach it. Monetary success is very important to you so you may be a workaholic.

Orange

Your aura is orange. You are a daredevil and risk taker. There’s nothing you don’t want to try at least once. You love a good adrenaline rush in the face of danger.

Which Greek God Are You?

You Are “Poseidon “

You are Poseidon, the god of the sea. Poseidon is a supreme god, who makes earthquakes when he is mislead or ignored. He also makes the sea calm for friends and benefactors.

Looks like after all this soul searching, all that has been revealed to me is that I’m probably evil. That was 2 hours well spent. fuck my life.